This was it! It was our second chance for happiness. We were going to make sure we did everything right this time. We read every book, newsletter, magazine and article that we could get our hands on about step-families. We learned to take things slow and keep our expectations low. We even planned a small, family wedding ceremony that included the boys. After all, they were getting married too.

After being married for two months, I remember people asking how things were going with our new step-family. We gladly responded, “Great!” “We haven’t had any problems. The boys get along very well.” We even told each other that we must have done things right, because this step-family thing isn’t so hard after all. Well, after a short honeymoon period, we began to experience normal step-family struggles. Although they are normal, they are stressful and emotionally draining to all involved.

I brought two boys into the marriage, Corbin, age 7, and Chandler, age 6, and Mark brought one son, Zach, age 5, into the marriage. Corbin is the most easy-going, even tempered, go-with-the-flow (this trait is especially important in a step-family) child you will ever meet. Although he can be awfully oblivious at times, he is also very smart. He is an honor student and plays baseball and football. Corbin saw the advantages to being part of two families early on (two Birthdays, two Christmases, etc.) which helped his adjustment period. Chandler is incredibly witty, kind-hearted, athletic, and full of life. He does not like change and is very protective of his mom. Chandler is also an honor student and plays football and baseball. Zach is very energetic, caring, generous, and talkative. Zach also does not like change and can at times be sensitive. Zach too is an honor student and swims and plays football. Having three boys one year apart each in age presents enough challenges without adding being part of a step-family to the mix. And having two boys that were very resistant to change didn’t help either since step-family life is full of change.

After about three months, Chandler and Zach realized that this remarriage was real and that their parents were not going to reconcile after all. With the realization that this new life was not going to end, Chandler and Zach seemed to blame each other for their disappointment. We routinely heard “I hate him,” and “He hates me!” They both thought that they were too different to get along. They thought they didn’t like any of the same things or didn’t have anything in common. At this point, Mark and I both thought, “I guess this is what step-family life is all about?” We were confused, but realized that just like every other family, we were not perfect. This is what all the books, newsletters, and articles were talking about. We both felt caught in the middle. You feel your child’s pain like it is your own, but are you capable of making everyone happy all the time? As parents, we feel it’s our job to “fix” everything. But how do you fix broken hearts, disappointments, grief, and feelings of insecurity? You can’t force two people to love and care for one another.

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According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, in the United States today, more than half of all mothers with young children work. Working mothers have become the rule, rather than the exception yet ask around any office and you’ll find that guilt is the number one emotion many working moms struggle with. Guilt that they missed their baby take his first step, that they can’t be room mother at school or that they’re not there when the kids get off the school bus.

Part of the problem is societal; for decades working mothers have been blamed for the neglect of their children, the breakdown of the family. But study after study has proven that kids of working moms are happy, healthy and thriving. I say it’s time for working moms to lose the guilt once and for all.

Mommy Guilt is Normal, but Useless

In today’s bleak economy, even more mothers are working full-time, with longer hours, or taking second jobs just to make ends meet. For many women, working isn’t a choice, it’s an economic reality and guilt becomes just one more pressure on already overburdened women.

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The engagement parties, the wedding showers, the big day itself, and the honeymoon have all come and gone. They were wonderful, the memories are still fresh, and you want to keep the delight alive as long as you can.

You’ve heard that relationships change over time, that challenges will present themselves, and that the “spark” won’t last forever. Part of you knows all that is true. But you are determined to not let that happen. Here’s a recipe for how you can keep your relationship glowing in the first few years of marriage—and beyond.

Commit to yourselves that you will never take your relationship for granted. It’s all too easy in the hurly-burly of everyday life, to get caught up in the externals of life such as work, household chores, television, and the internet. Even family and friends can draw attention away from your spouse.

Marriage entails making adjustments, and changing ingrained patterns of behavior can be challenging. A lot of the challenge is about finding the right balance: the balance between together time and alone time, between couple time and time with family and friends, between work and play, between fun time and down time. Finding the right balance often involves setting boundaries, establishing priorities, and making commitments that will increase the odds that certain things actually happen.

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